The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
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WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
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Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon