I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.