I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
