on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
