a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I could make wine with my vomit
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
