So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
