The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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