I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
