you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
