The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
