I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
