...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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