My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
