i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
