Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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