I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
