Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
