I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Boobs speak an international language.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
