Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
