I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
what is it with giant penises always finding me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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