So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
