the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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