i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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