All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And then he peed in my hair
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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