Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
