You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
