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oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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