I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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