all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
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I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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