I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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