Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
