I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
