the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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