Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
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in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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