Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
