I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
