Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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