My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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