I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
