New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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