Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
