So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
