I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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