I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
