I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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