I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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