Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
