tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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