TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
