Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
