you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
