I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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