How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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