Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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