tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
