My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
